It’s been 6 days since your passing. 2 months from when we were told to prepare for end of life and hospice care. And 6 months to the day of your passing from our wedding day. I’m trying hard to remember you then… healthy, happy and free of worries. Instead of the final months of cancer. You were the happiest I’d ever seen you in Mexico and I remember you telling me, poolside with the boys under the shade of Mexican palm trees, how you were genuinely at peace for the first time in a long time… not thinking about work or family drama or the cancer. You said over and over to us how you just wanted to make it to our wedding day and be able to be healthy enough to travel to Cancún. Lee took this picture of you when we went with the boys to Chichén Itzá and we stopped at that cute little town, Valladolid. You wanted to stay longer to go to the chocolate shop. I remember swimming in the cenote with Lee and the boys and looking all the way up to the top of the cenote and seeing you and my mom together with big smiles, watching us. You trekked through the hot pyramids better than all of us, despite your cancer, excitedly telling us the historical details the tour guide gave. And of course the wedding day. Getting our hair and make up done together and watching you dance with the beach wind blowing in your hair and moonlight over the mesmerizing teal waves of the Mexican peninsula.
I truly feel you were holding out for this trip. As soon as we got home things took a steep dive for the worse. Perhaps unconsciously you gave yourself permission to let go. I’m at such a huge loss emotionally for what to do with myself and how to feel. You weren’t just my mother in law but one of the truest supporters and friends and trusted so deeply, one of the few in my life. Anyone who knows me knows I don’t let people in easily or trust. Knowing I will never get to talk to you again, your loving way of listening without judgement and genuine love and concern. I will miss you in so soooo many ways and levels that I’m sure are still to be discovered as we go on with our lives without you. The moment I met you, I loved you. I already loved your only child, so meeting you was like completing the full picture of the puzzle. Our shared love for Lee bonded us in a way I don’t think anyone else can understand, as mothers and the important women in Lee’s heart. I feel outraged at the idea that our sons will grow up without their Grammy. Why do such loving souls leave us so soon while the cockroaches of the world go on breathing, pickled in their own self righteousness? How I wish that I could hug the love of your life and mine, and absorb all his sadness to grant him a momentary reprieve from the heartache of your loss. I hurt with a profound and indescribable pain I’ve never felt before and I welcome it because grief is love persisting.
You were so truly loved. People always say that sometimes you don’t know what you had until you lose it. That was never my case…. I ALWAYS knew how lucky I was to be truly loved and accepted by you and Jim. I knew how lucky I was to have a mother in law who was my best friend and a Mom to me from the start. The world has lost a beautiful soul but was made all the more beautiful by your presence here, however brief. Like a supernova or shooting star… majestic and gone too soon. As your only daughter in love, I promise to honor you daily by taking care of all your boys (and mine). Jim, your husband and love for nearly half a century, your grandsons and your baby boy- my husband and eternal companion. When the shock and grief subsides I promise to bring joy to their lives the way you did, to go on hikes and cider farms in the fall, which you loved. To create precious memories and moments and do it all never forgetting to speak of you often. I promise to learn from you and your loving, patient, forgiving nature that I envied and admired. Oh that I could be the caliber of woman you were. I will strive for this daily, in my life so that I might be a better woman myself and affect the lives of the ones I love most the incredible way that you did. Rest in peace, power and love my Mama #2. I’m so grateful to have loved and known you 🩷💔💜
– Michelle Altamirano-Dennis
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